Five Ways to a Better Relationship with Your Mother-in-Law
Elaine knew the road was going to be uncertain with her in-laws when her new mother-in-law did not speak once to her during Elaine’s and Michael’s wedding. What was wrong? Can this new relationship be helped or changed?
When you married your spouse, you also married his traditions, his quirks, and his family. Along with the changes in your new relationship with your husband, everyone changed roles. You became a wife, and his mother became a mother-in-law. Remember such a significant change requires adjustment on everyone’s part, and your mother-in-law may take time to adjust to her new role. “If there is tension in a relationship, I suggest people look to themselves because this is the only person we can ever change,” says Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC. So concentrate on what you can enjoy and bring to this relationship.
Set family boundaries.
When a couple gets married, a new relationship and family is created. You and your husband need to start your own new family traditions. These plans may or may not include other family members. Sit down with your spouse and discuss your plans whether it is holiday plans or vacation plans. Talk about what you would like the holidays to look like before involving either in-laws. “It is important to present a united front with your family plans,” says Baffone.
If a family member questions your decision, calmly say that your husband and you are in agreement with the decision. If there is any further issue that needs to be addressed, have your husband handle it with his mother.
Spend time with her.
Your mother-in-law is the mother of your husband. Take note of her interests. Go out shopping with her and listen to what is important to her. She may share she always hated the color of one of her rooms at home and wants to change it. Cut out articles that describe easy re-decorating ideas and give it to her. If she is interested in checking out healthier food choices for her hubby and herself, tell her about the new Food Channel show that describes healthy food recipes.
“I also came to realize that we did not have to be super close to be comfortable with each other and enjoy one another,” says Katy C., Washington. Taking small steps towards building a relationship with your mother-in-law is a process. When her birthday rolls around, do your best to buy gifts that you know she will enjoy.
Acknowledge your spouse’s family traditions.
“Your husband’s family traditions are often what is a big part of the fabric of his life,” says Barone. Consequently, food plays a major role in family traditions. Just the aroma of certain food can provoke pleasant memories from childhood. Learn some of your spouse’s family recipes. If fact, ask your mil to teach you how to make “her” cinnamon rolls or her homemade noodles. While you are in the kitchen with your mother-in-law, ask her about the history of the family dish. This effort shows your mother-in-law that what is important to her, is important to you.
Tell your kids about how your husband spent his youth. Did he and his family go camping every year to the same campground? Retell stories about when your husband was a little boy and when he used to go swimming in a restricted area, he almost got caught by the police. These stories are important to your husband’s parents and in turn, are important to your family. This interest helps build your marriage, too.
Encourage her relationship with your children.
Visits with grandparents are fun for your children. As the mom, express your excitement that grandma and grandpa are coming to visit. “She is always willing to visit us and sleep in cramped quarters-even once on the floor,” Julie Steed, Kansas. If your mother-in-law lives close by, set up regular visits with your kids with her and let her spend one-on-one time with her grandkids.
Let grandma spoil your children. Your children will not be ruined for life if grandma gives them ice cream for dinner. Supervise cute and thoughtful thank you notes from your kids to their grandparent.
Focus on the positives.
There are always areas to appreciate about your mother-in-law. Acknowledge her strengths such as crafting, sense of adventure, flexibility, or scheduling. “She has a great sense of adventure and didn’t even give it a second thought to visiting us overseas for two weeks,” says Steed.
Family relationships are here to stay. So, today, take the time to get to know your mother-in-law, and enjoy what you can. Barone suggests, “Accentuating the positive qualities can help shift our thinking from a destructive place to a constructive one.”
